i

look around for miles and find no one....i am surrounded byppl, many who care for me, and yeti find no one around me. there is no one i trust, no one who could possiblity comprehend what is going through my mind.
my change is subtle but permanent.
Even i am unaware of the xtent of how this is going to change me, but ive lost faith, not in Allah but in myself n my life.
i pray no one ever goes through the pain and betrayal i have experieced. i feel, i know the changes are there for a harsher future. i know i wont find anyone, i know i will have to suffer all my life. they say that ppl who have suffered during their childhood always find a brighter future, unfortuantely its not true, atleast in my case. i have suffered and will suffere all my life and there is no xscaping it.that is my fate, that is my destiny.
i have learnt not to unravel in front of anyone. i have learnt to cry all the time while no one is aware.. all believe or have bn led to believe that i am at peace. but i am shaken, and disillusioned. there is no love and there will be no happiness. the faster i accept this the better it is for me. i dare not laugh out oud in fear of anyother test, an other lesson. my L didnt work for any loud, but its there now.
i fear myself
there is no one i can lean on, even if jsut to take a breathe,
tell me ill be ok, please tell me ill survive....
that i wont be alone for long
that
just that
i dare not hope
or want
or need
cause i wont get it in return.
the nights are getting tougher, my sleep sporadic and my mind no where, thinking about nothing andyet everything
why oh why did i survive this, i shouldnt have stopped myself from going mad-- shold have let it happen so i could go live in an ayslum away from it all.
shouldnt have lived to see this forsaken day.
kya socha tha, kia ho gaya.